I Rule My World!

Here’s the deal with this “like me, like me not” dilemma. It’s a nice feeling to like someone. But to like someone and let that feeling control you—your thoughts, your actions, and everything else in your life—is purely insanity! Especially if this person doesn’t know your feelings, and even if he knows it, won’t give it back. It has its cheap thrills—which of course doesn’t last a lifetime. I mean isn’t it so much better to just be—just live life without the complications of liking someone and having to wonder whether this person spends as much time thinking of me the same way I am thinking about him.

I mean I would rather think of other important thoughts that would help the world and the humankind (don’t worry I’m not running for Miss Earth J ), rather than to worry about whether he would like it if I do this or that. I’d rather worry on how I could speed up my Chopin etude or master that set of chords in my Beethoven sonata. I’d rather worry about the next program to device for the AY of the Ambassadors, or the gimmicks I can cook up during the Music Majors’ Banquet. I would rather worry about when to give make-up lessons to my very “responsible” students (pun intended!)—than to worry about the vague and elusive thoughts about love and liking, and that be returned to you, because with this, I can’t seem to think of any solutions. I just don’t know how to work my way around. Ahh, this requires so much patience, ultrapersonal skills and super powers (By the way, in this time of Darnas, Ethereas, and Pandays, who wouldn’t want to have super powers?)

Well, so look, I have to admit I indulge once in a while in thinking about being liked. Or at least having those persons like me after several meditative years or so. Haha! Sort of revenge..like sort of turning things around. Sweet, sweet thoughts. Well, in reality, they are just thoughts. Match it up with cheesy love songs, and I’ll be moping in no time. (Anyway, do I sound like I’m moping already?)

When I think of all those times I go ‘mad’ because I like someone—I couldn’t help but smile at how brave I was for plunging and just taking it all in—heart and soul. With no reservation and no thought for possible pain. Much less watching out for that DANGER AHEAD sign. No. I lived and loved. And vice versa.

But that was centuries ago. Those people I have raved about have their own love lives to fill. And although they had been a part of my love life, I had not been in theirs…

As the hands of the clock turn, the roles seem to shift. Instead of playing the part of lover or the one being loved, I now play the part of Cupid…or one of his assistants, rather. Yes…I am now actively involved in making things cheesier, mushier, and gushier than it already is.

Well, there are things like love concerts which conduce a quite impressive atmosphere of romance and sentimentality. As performer, I sing all those love songs like as if each one is my own personal theme song—tipong feel na feel ko dapat. Well, gone are those days when I could relate to each line. So if you ever see me in a love concert one of these days, applaud my stage presence—because after all, it’s just an act.

Thus, I won’t forget to mention the gargantuan requests for delivering these flowers, chocolates, love letters, regards-rebound, and stuff. Everyone seems to be in with latest ‘love craze’! I can’t help but picture this: Think of love as a storm…everyone seems to enjoy the rain, the wind, the hail…some are drenched down to their toes, some are donning their raincoats, while I am at some big building’s shade, watching all the commotion…wanting to get wet, wanting to get blown by the wind…

So yeah, romantic love, as complicated as it is, inasmuch or less I’d want to involve it in my life right now…there’s really nothing I can do but let it surprise me in a way that I would eat what I just wrote!

Asianovelas have taken my fancies. It has lured me once again to “butterfly effect” (A note to psychologists and strict term users: Sorry but I have my own definition of the word.) Compared to many American soaps and several Filipino soaps, a lot of Koreanovelas seem more interesting to watch because of the wholesome, yet very true-to-life scenes they show. In all its simplicity, it portrays the fact that love can take place without engaging in pre-marital sex. This is a subjective opinion of course, and not all Korean soaps portray virtuousness. But it is a lesson to remind me that purity is still very important.

While purity is still a topic, let me conclude this entry with an unusual incident that occurred today. A lot of my friends have either gotten married already or admit to this deep desire of getting hitched soon. One of them texted me that she is finally engaged and the civil wedding will take place on June 31^st, and that only few had been invited, but she wants me to come. This sudden announcement shocked me of course because knowing her, I knew she wouldn’t settle for that kind of wedding…unless, an “accident” happened. She assured me that she is without child and that everything had just been a “spur-of-the-moment” thing. Her boyfriend just proposed and she said yes. Simple as that. Contented with her explanation, I launched into “What will be the motif? Will the Amba sing? How do you feel about all this?” and all other questions that formed in my nutshell. Her stoic expression, like the calmness before a storm, denied me of what was to come. She answers my question with a “Can we mark it on your calendar first so you won’t forget?”. Still dazed at the sudden turn of events, I looked for my Orlando Bloom calendar. It failed to show itself up, probably knowing that I was about to be conned (actually, I was already a victim, and the calendar would prove just how stupid I was!) She finally shows me her phone calendar, and there I was, looking for June 31 invisibly placed between June 30 and July 1.

What better way to take revenge, but by forwarding the same tricky text to some trusting souls. Several of them were too smart, some found out a good while later, and one of them (poor him) actually fell for it. He had a different set of questions, though. But I knew he fell for it. Awww. So to him, if ever he is reading this, thanks for sincerely wishing me the best, for promising that you will make it up to me by not missing out on my life’s big celebrations again, and for thinking that whoever I was going to marry has got to be special. (I just don’t have the heart to tell you personally that…you are so gullible…hahaha!)

Robert Fulghum was right when he wrote, “All I really need to learn, I learned in kindergarten.” Let me sing this song for him lest he has forgotten already that:

“Thirty days have September, April, JUNE, and November.

All the days have thirty-one,

Except February alone!”

Success depends on how you view life. It does not depend on how others view it of and how your life should be (although that still counts and takes a rather big chunk of your own views). Success is not just having a lot of money, having a great job, or having all these material things. That is the reward of being successful, but that is not success itself. Success is being able to go through pain, perseverance, tolerance, sweat, and all the hard work—and then getting out alive, refined, and much better person.

“I want to be successful”—I used to write this motto in the many slam books the girls pass around during my elementary years. Looking back, I ask myself, what kind of success did I picture in my mind at that time? While everyone in my class wanted to be pilots, nurses, doctors, and engineers, I was a part of the minority who were interested in being a teacher. I had visions of myself in a classroom and sharing knowledge with people. That was my picture of success back then. As I grew up, that picture never really changed.

You must be familiar with the question, “How do you see yourself in the next 10 years or so?” That, my friend, is another “success-gauging” question. What is your success picture in life?

I remember this activity when I was a sophomore in the academy. My Filipino teacher wanted us to create a timeline of the things we wanted to happen in our lives for the next 10 years. So for the whole period, we were given the license to dream, take a picture of success, and write it. Adults would probably look at that activity as a “sensitive moment”, a “deep searching within” kind of thing. But at that time, I was a school girl with simple dreams, nothing big, so that activity was just another one of those “do-it-to-get-a-high-grade” obligation. Click. I took the picture.

I was rummaging through my stuff a few days ago—trying to sort out the things I wanted to keep from those I wanted to throw out, when I saw this paper with the rest of my highschool stuff. Believe me, I had goosebumps while I was reading it. A lot of what I have written have happened already, some were things I was doing presently in my life, and the rest in the list were either still far off or they just simply did not happen (like have a boyfriend by the year 2002, etc. Haha! ) I have taken the picture—creepy thing is, I was in the picture.

I’m not trying to make success sound creepy or whatever, but how do we really succeed? Many writers have earned millions writing self-help books on how to be successful. A lot of TV shows feature people who painstakingly painted their own picture of success. They were admired by thousands of people. Revered, even.

When I sit down and have a “sensitive moment’ wherein I have a “deep searching within” kind of thing (as I consider myself somehow of an adult now), I am faced with very many difficult decisions I have to make in life. Yet somehow, I am always reminded of the text from Deutronomy 8:18, “Remember the Lord your God. He is the one who gives you power to be successful.” And when God takes a picture of your success, you can bet your sweet December that you are in the snapshot, with a grin on your face enough to humiliate the Cheshire Cat.